break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
