i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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