Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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