My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize