it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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