are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize