you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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