maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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