Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
