i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize