Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i think i scared a bird with my dick
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
