he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
