i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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