Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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