Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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