You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
