I skipped work to stalk him.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
