I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
