I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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