Plan B is the new Plan A
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
