Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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