come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
