You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
