...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
