I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
