he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
