Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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