She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
