I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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