Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
