How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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