The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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