I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize