so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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