Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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