So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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