Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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