i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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