"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize