You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
