So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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