My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
