Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
