my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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