I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
