i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
