You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
