the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
