Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
