I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
