The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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