YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize