did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
