you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
