i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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