you guys were way drunker than both of me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
