found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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