new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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